I'd been trying not to weep while driving to meet some friends for lunch. Holding the tears back.
I thought I had succeeded until they saw my face, and looked at me with concern. “How are you?”
The sadness that I had been holding in came flooding out the instant someone I trust met my eyes and looked at me with love and care.
I’ve had a lot of griefs to process this year, including the recent loss of my mother. I am so grateful for the dear friends and family who have given me a safe space to grieve, and to feel loved.
We hold it together until we feel safe.
It’s what we do. As long as there is a danger, and our bodies interpret stress as danger, we will attempt to keep ourselves together. We keep functioning because not functioning equals death for all mammals in danger. We are the gazelle that keeps running until we no longer have the scent of the lion in our nostrils.
It’s when we reach safety that we fall apart. It’s after the sprint and the survival mode and the “just get through it”, when we are safe at last, that we find we can’t possibly do another thing. Like the gazelle, we collapse in exhaustion, our legs give out, and we come to a full stop.
We all know we need to restore our energy. But often we aren't in touch with how much stress we are under, and wonder why we can't just maintain the same punishing pace forever. Sprint and rest. That's the survival cycle. If you find yourself crashing hard once things let up, or even before they do, then maybe it's time to acknowledge how long your body has been operating in survival mode without your conscious awareness.
BODY & MIND
How to feel safe in your body.
Your limbic system is what controls functions like digestion and reproduction, the functions essential for survival as a species. But when your body senses danger, those systems shut down. Your sympathetic nervous system is activated and your body primes itself to run, or fight, or freeze in place.
Some of us get locked into this activated survival mode and can’t shut it off. Maybe your situation is just never safe, or maybe your body hasn’t completed the survival action to the point that it feels that it can rest and recover. (Trauma is often the result of your body being locked into survival mode like this.)
There are a few simple ways to help guide your body into a state of rest and recovery. Most of them have to do with breath and movement.*
Here is a simple exercise to try. You can do this standing or sitting. If you are standing, curl your feet into the floor a little bit, and keep your knees slightly bent. (Don’t lock them.)
Place one hand on your chest, above your heart, and the other hand on your belly. Close your eyes and sway gently side to side. Notice your breath, inhale, and exhale. After a few breaths, just noticing your breathing, begin to gradually slow down your exhales. Sway your body in rhythm with your breathing. Do this for at least one minute.
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What is wrong with you? Maybe nothing.
If you have been holding it together for a long time and you find yourself falling apart now, after the dust has settled, you may be wondering what’s wrong with you. Why can’t you just keep on going and doing all the things like the machine that you have been? Maybe there’s nothing wrong with you. Maybe you just finally feel safe in the wake of a crisis. Maybe your body has collapsed after a survival sprint and what you need is rest, and recovery.
You will find your “do all the things” mojo again. You won’t be here forever, don’t fret. Rest into the safety. Recover. You will need to run again soon enough.
Once you have had enough time to recover your creativity will return. Your energy will return. Your organization skills will return. Be patient with yourself.
This falling apart is not a failure. It’s a sign of success. You ran hard until you reached safety. You cannot expect to keep running forever. Now rest, dear one. Let it be. Let your legs give out. You will stand up again once you rest. Be patient, and give yourself the time you need.
FOR PARENTS
What is going on when your child seems to be able to act appropriately around other adults but they have little meltdowns when they are with you?
Recently I saw someone accuse a child of being manipulative because he didn’t cry about something that had upset him until he reached his mother. He had gone to find his parent in this situation, but was intercepted by other adults offering advice. This 8 year old held it together while one adult after another intercepted him and gave him well intentioned and helpful advice about how he should act. He bore all of this with good grace, politely listening and responding, all while trying to reach his mom. It wasn’t until he turned away from those other people toward his mother that his face crumpled into tears, and his distress became apparent as he talked about what had happened. (The other observer interpreted this as manipulation. Using tears to try and get what he wanted.)
Every situation is different, and children do try to manipulate their parents from time to time in order get what they want, especially if it’s worked in the past. But what I saw in that moment was a child who had finally made it to his safe person. Older children, just like adults, can hold it together for a short time when they are upset. But it’s when they reach their safe person that they fall apart and the tears and emotions come spilling out.
How often in life have you done the same thing?
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Want to talk to me 1 on 1 about any of this?
Book a free 30 minute consult today. I offer several different coaching packages; parenting, health and wellness mindset, body awareness through Yoga and effective self care.
Let's talk about what kind of support you need on your journey, and whether I can help you with it.
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Love, Carrien
*(If you are not safe where you are in your life, please do whatever you need to do to get to a place of safety. Breathing can help you find momentary calm, but if your body is constantly communicating that you are in danger, something else needs to change. Where is your body perceiving a threat? Pay attention to that. Your body is wise and trying to protect you.)